Ladies and gentlemen: he's back. The suited, wavy-haired cheeky monkey himself Mr Ross, welcomes us to his new series with the distinct possibility of a punch-up. Boxer Ricky Hatton goes toe-to-toe with Jonathan and Thandie Newton will do well to stay that far away from him and his saucy banter. Daniel Radcliffe, who has gone from boy wizard to horse fondler, returns to the show as does Damon Albarn with yet another new band The Good, The Bad & The Queen. Has he finally formed a good one?

Ricky Gervais? On Jonathan's show? That must have taken some serious negotiating - or maybe just a kiss. I'm amazed to see Gareth Gates on the show; I thought he was happy and comfortable in obscurity. I guess he couldn't say no (that's cruel I know).

Completing the guest list are full-time pilot and part-time actor John Travolta and Macy Gray, who is a dead ringer for that bear from The Hair Bear Bunch.

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A curious mix of guests this week. Artists Gilbert & George who began their careers' in performance art, now better known for their brightly coloured photo-montages. Not my cup of tea to be honest, but they did win the Turner Prize in 1986. Liverpool won the League and F.A. Cup double in the same year, which probably explains why I missed their finest hour. Stephen Gerrard in full flow - now that's art.Jonathan's former warm-up man Alan Carr is back as is the woman who's had more rock stars that the green room at Live Aid, Patsy Kensit. Smooth, suited Mackem Bryan Ferry provides the music - hopefully not something by Wagner.

Bill Bailey is a funny guy, a talented musician and a Klingon nonce. He's on tour - go and see him, shout 'weasels' and hear his reply - 'dormice'! Singer, Sarah Brightman, is set to perform at this year's F.A. Cup final - I think she'll lose, which is a pity as I think she'd do well in the U.E.F.A. Cup. Music this week from Jamie T. So that's one talented musician on the programme then...

Rob Brydon stars in a programme called 'Annually Retentive'. Does that mean he can or can not stand next to the piano? If you are drunk whilst watching this episode, that's Helena Bonham Carter - not Robert Smith from The Cure.

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Evita, Cats, Starlight Express - just three of the musicals written by Andrew Lloyd Webber, that I have no intention of ever going to see. John Barrowman has probably seen all of them at least 83 times. Also appearing tonight in a skirt, Janice Dickinson and possibly Eddie Izzard.

There was a time when Ozzy liked nothing more than to tuck in to a bat's head for a snack, these days he's far happier with a delicious butter substitute. We all mellow with age. I'm worried that Justin Lee Collins will end up as the latest canine member of Ozzy's family due to his cartoon dog-like appearance. I'm sure he wouldn't get away with using the floor as a toilet as easily as Ozzy's real dogs seem to.

I was going to make fun of Bear Grylls because of his name, that was until I discovered that he was in the S.A.S. so I thought better of it. If I made fun of Gordon Ramsay on the other hand, he would probably just call me a ****. (He wouldn’t be the first).

It's that time of year when the British pretend we like tennis again. Andy Roddick's appearance can only mean the EVIL that is Wimbledon is upon us. Fat women of Britain rejoice and pay £97.32p for two strawberries (you'll need to re-mortgage your house if you want cream with them). Myleene Klass who is heavily pregnant and Nick Frost who's a natural fatty also appear.

Shilpa Shetty; Bollywood superstar and the recipient of verbal bullying from the Bermondsey Beast, Jade Goody. Funny that, why would a fat, ignorant talentless pig pick on a beautiful, successful actress? Weird.

Alex James has lead the typical rock star lifestyle: gigs, women, drinking and cheese-making. They want it all don't they?

Serena Williams is an impressive looking woman: big and strong - all muscle and buttocks. She could easily have puny Russell Brand in a fight. Actually, I reckon she could have him, Iggy Pop and the rest of the Stooges. Jonathan, the audience, the Poofs, the piano...

The combined weight of Fearne Cotton and Pete Doherty tops the scales at a porky 42 kilograms - 43 if they are wet. I doubt they could overpower a fractious kitten or contain an angry wasp.

Bruce Willis and I share a birthday; that's about all we have in common as I have hair and a natural aversion to Demi Moore (and all her films).

Rarity is the common factor this week; a TV appearance by the Arctic Monkeys which is as rare as a woman who understands the off-side rule, and something that's as rare as hen's toothpaste; an interview with Harry Potter creator J.K. Rowling. Also rare - possibly unique - is a London-born Norwegian sailor - step forward Bob Hoskins. The programme is scheduled to return in September 2007.

It seems like just 63 days since Jonathan was talking to J.K. Rowling. Either that, or I can't count. However long it was, the wait is over - he's back. To kick things off, there is a rare interview with Keira Knightley who, incidentally, weighs less than Jonathan's hair. Funny man Simon Pegg and man Adam Sandler also appear on the first show.

Music comes from Dallas-based twenty-three-piece band The Polyphonic Spree, who, incidentally, weigh less than Jonathan's hair.

This week's guests: a director who's films I don't really like; an actor who's films I don't watch; two women who make television programmes for badly dressed frumpy lasses and some Scottish warbler who's music gives me the staggers. Apart from that, I am really looking forward to it.

There's a 'Hair Off' this week: Richard Hammond - the indestructible one from Top Gear, brings his new, flowing locks to compete with Jonathan's luscious mane. Dame Helen Mirren's naturally girly hair might not be enough to secure victory, but Christian Slater is in with a chance.

If it's decided by facial hair, Dr. Matt Destruction from The Hives will walk it, even though he's bald. Bring it on!

Four weeks into the new series and the guest list shows signs of strain, and that's not just down to Beth Ditto's bulk. Peter Björn & John are described as "Swedish folk rockers" - is it just me, or does that sound like a cue to stuff your ears with broken glass?

Mother Nature is either very creative, or she's got a blinding sense of humour. How else could you explain the effortless beauty of Michelle Pfeiffer and the unconstrained ugliness of Chris Moyles? Maybe she created him with the left-overs from elephants ar**s.

If Katie Price's self-importance was flammable and caught fire, it would be the Great Fire of London all over again. If her talent was flammable and caught fire, it would be like a damp banger going off. Peter Andre appears tonight - he's married to the damp banger.

Kelly Smith, who is brilliant and will probably be the next Queen of England, appears tonight in all her shimmering glory. She will be talking about Women's Football which is absolutely excellent entertainment.

Heston Blumenthal has been described as a "culinary alchemist". This is a rather grand way of saying he makes porridge from snails. Kelly Brook is the latest celebrity to put her name to a perfume, sadly, the name 'Smelly Brook' was discarded pretty early on. Actress, Cate Blanchett and 'famous for being married to Rod Stewart' Penny Lancaster also appear.

Duran Duran - who will perform their new song, will probably be wearing more make-up than Kelly, Cate and Penny - specifically Nick Rhodes.

Proud Welshman Sir Anthony Hopkins - who is now an American citizen - makes his first appearance on the show. Jimmy Carr, who just seems to be very proud of himself in general, makes what seems to be his 400th appearance.

Daniel Craig – the blond Bond; Russell Brand – the pseudo-Dickensian Cockney urchin and Jack Dee – the grumpy one who is second only to Ricky Gervais in appearances on the show.

"Fighting in the Dojo, Miso Miso

Oriental Prince in the land of soup". Fans of the Boosh will understand that, other people might just be greatly disturbed. Hugh Fearnley-Whittingstall, a man who has cooked pretty much everything on television from Cephalopoda to placenta makes a welcome début appearance on the show.

The music comes from Kate Nash with her mockney stylings and 'cor blimey Mary Poppins, ain't it foggy in Larndon'?

Quite a line-up this week: Actress Renée Zellweger who made big knickers the talk of England; Jerry Seinfeld who made some people on TV.com unhappy (see the Soup Nazi debates in the forums) and Jeremy Clarkson who makes many people unhappy all over England - particularly Wales, the United States and Bill Oddie.

Never have so many people I have never heard of appeared in the same episode. Will Smith should save the day and Kerry Katona could make it a very long day if she is 'tired and emotional'.

Music from Editors, which some viewers might find entertaining.

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New Series. Yes, a new series just twenty days after the last one ended, the BBC is getting its moneys worth out of Jonathan. In return, he provides a guest straight from the top of the A List - Tom Hanks. Chris Rock, who some people might find funny, whilst others will just regard him as loud, American and not funny.

Music from Reverend & The Makers.

He is a living legend; a man who was a part of the greatest model railway based children's programme of all time. He provided the voices for the fab four: Thomas, Henry Gordon and the Fat Controller � Mr. Ringo Starr. He was also in The Beatles.

Also appearing on this week's show, Sir David Attenborough; friend of the Rwandan gorilla, pal of the bat and generally on nodding terms with fish.

Big, butch funny bloke Alan Carr returns to the Ross sofa. Alan wears glasses... and shoes... and has the requisite number of ears for a standard human. Yes, you've guessed it - I don't know anything about the other guests.

The Cast of Mistresses join Jonathan for an innuendo-laden smut fest; Britt Ekland takes part in a 'I was married to Peter Sellers and danced naked in The Wicker Man' jamboree and Morrissey provides the music - no smut and no dancing naked. Phew.

First it was Life on Mars, now it's Ashes to Ashes. TV cop Gene Hunt, (Philip Glenister) returns to the screen as the Manc detective who likes 'oops. Maybe the next series will be called 'The Laughing Gnome' and will be set in the seedy underworld of Legoland. Starring Tom Cruise.

First Blood, Rambo, Tango and Cash. Just three of the films for which Sylvester Stallone was not nominated for an Oscar. Also appearing: Nicholas Hoult from Skins and Katherine Jenkins from Wales.

Music from Guillemots.

Nice to see him, to see him... Brucie returns to the show, on what will be his 80th birthday. Also on this week's programme: Forest Whitaker, who won an Oscar for his portrayal of Ugandan despot Idi Amin and model Agyness Deyn, who, and let's be honest about this, is just some model.

Music from Elbow.

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Michelle Ryan managed to star in several episodes of the Bionic Woman before it was axed. Who knows; maybe The Bill has the technology to rebuild her (career), as it has done for so many other former soap stars.

Music comes from the Temptations, star-spangled blondness comes from Goldie Hawn and something French for the ladies comes from Jean-Christophe Novelli.

Gunther Von Hagens is a German anatomist who likes to perform televised autopsies in front an audience. This could be the last appearance on television for either Twiggy, David Baddiel Siouxsie Soux or Jonathan. Forgo your late-night snack just in case.

Natasha Kaplinsky is one of those people who you either really, really like, or really, really loathe. Which camp are you in? This week's 'Hollywood royalty' is Donald Sutherland, while Trevor Eve is this week's 'Brummie royalty'.

Music from the Kooks.

David Tennant and Catherine Tate, aka, the Doctor and his new companion; John Hurt, who has played the Elephant Man and Quentin Crisp on film, but is yet to play an unconvincing alien in Doctor Who, makes a return appearance.

Music from Radiohead.

Mackenzie Crook's latest film is Three and Out, in which he plays a Tube driver on London's Underground. The title refers to the rule that if a driver witnesses three accidental deaths on the line, he is pensioned off with a large lump sum. It is understandable to think from the title, that the film is actually about the career of cricketer Andrew Strauss.

Aston Kutcher joins Jonathan to talk about a new film, or something. Russell Brand returns, possibly trying to break Ricky Gervais' number of appearances and Ronnie Corbett makes a return appearance to the show. A man described by the BBC as a "comedy giant".

Music from new band, the Courteeners.

Robert Downey Jr. makes a return appearance to the show, but it's debuts all-round for Gwyneth Paltrow, Michael Aspel and The Ting Tings.

That big bundle of chuckles, Sir Alan Sugar, returns to the show; the big bundle, Johnny Vegas, also returns with his own brand of northern madness. Making her first appearance on the show is Jade Jagger, who, apparently, is famous for being a model and not just for being called Jagger.

Music from Vampire Weekend.

A mixed bag of guests this week: author and broadcaster Andrew Marr; actress Sarah Jessica Parker and actor Anthony Head. So not that mixed after all...

Brilliantly, this week's band is Yazoo (or Yaz, if you are American and have difficulty with syllables).

Chirpy Cockney geezer, Ray Winstone, does the Lambeth walk into the studio to discuss jellied eels, Doodlebugs and boxing grannies from the east end. Gawd bless 'em. Actually, he'll probably talk about his role in the new Indiana Jones film.

The Osmonds - all 7 of them, give their first British interview in 25 years. 7 Osmonds - that's 224 teeth. Seems like a lot more...

Music to please your Mum - and mine, from golden-tonsilled Neil Diamond.

The ubiquitous John Barrowman returns to talk about his favourite Nancy (you can add your own punchline).

Music from Black Kids, whose début song title takes longer to say than it takes to sing.

We don't have an overview translated in English. Help us expand our database by adding one.

We don't have an overview translated in English. Help us expand our database by adding one.

The WBO, WBC and WBA super middleweight champion of the world, Joe Calzaghe, talks to Jonathan about punching people.

Jay-z gives his first major British television interview ahead of his headline appearance at Glastonbury; the affable Will Smith returns as does singer Charlotte Church.

Music from James.

We don't have an overview translated in English. Help us expand our database by adding one.

We don't have an overview translated in English. Help us expand our database by adding one.

In 1982, Stevie Wonder (with Sir Paul McCartney) sang: ebony and ivory live together in perfect harmony, side by side on my piano keyboard, oh Lord, why don't we? Well, you could have been in the same country as each other when you shot the video for a start!

Model, Abigail Clancy and Steve Coogan also appear.