Two and a Half Men (2003)
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Jim Patterson — Writer
Episodes 63
Repeated Blows to His Unformed Head
Berta's daughter, Naomi is pregnant and Berta drags Charlie with her when she confronts the baby’s father. Alan reveals a secret fetish.
Read MoreRelease the Dogs
Alan suffers from insomnia. He visits his psychiatrist, who reveals that the cause of Alan's sleepless nights is his jealousy towards Charlie, and his inability to glide through life.
Read MoreWalnuts and Demerol
Charlie's friends and family put a crimp in his plan for a romantic Christmas Eve date. When Evelyn sees who the date is, she goes to great lengths to force a wedge between them.
Read MoreThat's Summer Sausage, Not Salami
Charlie sets Alan up with their new neighbour. But he gets jealous when the two form a bond.
Read MoreI Merely Slept With a Commie
After Evelyn tells Alan and Charlie how she feels about there being no mourners at her friend’s funeral, the boys share their feelings that this could also be the case at her funeral. Evelyn tries to prove them wrong by introducing them to a couple she help adopt a boy from China. The boys return fire by inviting the young man to a play date with Jake.
Read MoreAunt Myra Doesn't Pee a Lot
Alan looks forward to Judith's wedding, while Charlie and Myra continue their romance.
Read MoreMr. McGlue's Feedbag
Jake gets lucky after Charlie takes him to the racetrack. Meanwhile, Alan has a difficult time at the DMV.
Read MoreAnteaters. They're Just Crazy-Lookin'
Charlie is shocked when the handyman working on his house beats him out for Chloe's affections. Alan has no sympathy for Charlie’s distress.
Read MoreMedia Room Slash Dungeon
Charlie acts strange after spending an evening with his mother, and a woman Alan slept with behaves oddly the next morning.
Read MoreCity of Great Racks
Charlie and Linda get closer to consummating their relationship, but Charlie has trouble focusing when he begins to see Rose's face everywhere he turns.
Read MoreHelp Daddy Find His Toenail
Charlie's girlfriend is embrassed to go out in public with him. Meanwhile, Jake sneaks out to attend a concert.
Read MoreMeander to Your Dander
When Alan finds himself wanting to break up with a woman, Charlie offers his expertise.
Read MoreWinky-Dink Time
Charlie double-dates with Jake and fixes Alan up with a hooker.
Read MoreIf My Hole Could Talk
Charlie's attracted to an older self-help author. Alan and Jake clash over a project for school.
Read MoreTaterhead Is Our Love Child
In the 6th season opener, Charlie runs into an ex-girlfriend and a child who bears a striking resemblance to Charlie.
Read MoreThe Flavin' and the Mavin'
Alan is sure that things will turn bad when Charlie starts dating his receptionist.
Read MoreIt's Always Nazi Week
When Judith kicks Herb to the curb, Alan comes knocking; Jake is sent to stay with a less-than-willing Charlie for three months during Judith's meltdown.
Read MorePinocchio's Mouth
Charlie's new girlfriend Chelsea asks him to spend the night at her place, which puts Charlie well outside of his comfort zone, while Alan tries to enforce a punishment on Jake initiated by Judith for mooning a group of girls.
Read MoreThe Devil's Lube
Charlie finds himself re-examining his wild ways when an old friend dies and begins to feel that his time on Earth may be drawing to a close.
Read MoreThank God for Scoliosis
Charlie and Jake fight for the affections of a waitress, while Alan fights sexual tension with his receptionist.
Read MoreI Think You Offended Don
Judith is pregnant with a baby girl and Alan is convinced he is the father.
Read MoreDavid Copperfield Slipped Me a Roofie
Melissa doesn't think Alan's family appreciates him, so she asks him to move in with her and her mom.
Read MoreThe 'Ocu' or the 'Pado'?
Charlie's admission that he's in love with Chelsea gets a surprising reaction from her
Read MoreMy Son's Enormous Head
Chelsea's illness gives Charlie a chance to prove he can take care of her, but also yearning to run away from the situation.
Read MoreThe Two Finger Rule
After Chelsea discovers a nude picture of another woman on Charlie's cell phone, he blows off steam by going out for a night of drinking with Alan, Herb and his neighbor.
Read MoreSir Lancelot's Litter Box
Charlie mourns the loss of his bachelor pad as he reluctantly allows Chelsea to move in. Meanwhile, Alan discovers there is no longer much space left in the house for him.
Read MoreFor the Sake of the Child
Jake stops at nothing to get away from Charlie and Alan, after they embarrass him out in public.
Read MoreIxnay on the Oggie Day
Charlie has a return engagement with Chelsea's best friend, while Alan has an unexpected effect on a new female patient.
Read MoreKeith Moon Is Vomiting in His Grave
Alan is torn between the bad influence of Jake's new friend and the hotness of his mother.
Read MoreSpringtime on a Stick
Charlie and Alan try to set up Evelyn with Russell the pharmacist.
Read MoreLookin' for Japanese Subs
Obsessed and believing her to be married, Charlie starts stalking Rose. Jake and Eldridge start taping themselves doing Jackass-style stunts.
Read MoreThree Hookers and a Philly Cheesesteak
While Charlie and Rose carry on their "affair," Alan's chiropractic business turns into a Ponzi scheme.
Read MoreNice to Meet You, Walden Schmidt
Alan and Jake meet Walden Schmidt, a broken-hearted billionaire.
Read MorePeople Who Love Peepholes
Walden deals with his ex-wife, Bridget.
Read MoreNine Magic Fingers
Walden goes looking for Mrs. Right while Alan has an opportunity to reconcile with Lyndsey.
Read MoreA Giant Cat Holding a Churro
Alan has trouble accepting Lyndsey's seedy movie past, and Walden tries to cheer him up by throwing a party.
Read MoreThe Squat and the Hover
Walden receives divorce papers from Bridget, but forgets his depression when he meets a girl who looks eerily like her.
Read MoreThose Fancy Japanese Toilets
Jake has a crush on his chemistry tutor, who has a crush on Walden. Meanwhile, Alan obsesses over the journal his brother left him in his will.
Read MoreThank You for the Intercourse
When Walden begins redecorating the beach house, Alan becomes overly emotional.
Read MoreA Fishbowl Full of Glass Eyes
Walden hits it off with a British babe, but neither of them is sure he's ready to re-enter the dating world.
Read MoreWhat a Lovely Landing Strip
Walden is trying his best to impress his new love interest when Bridget reappears in his life.
Read MoreOne False Move, Zimbabwe!
Walden's mother arrives and Alan is smitten with her, even as she reveals a secret about Walden's past that sends him into a downward spiral.
Read MoreSlowly and in a Circular Fashion
Walden’s ex-wife and mother try to take control of his company, so he turns to Alan for help.
Read MoreA Possum on Chemo
Zoey tries to convince Walden to cut his hair and shave; Alan and Lyndsey revive their relationship.
Read MoreThe Duchess of Dull-in-Sack
Walden tries to loosen Zooey up by sharing some of Berta's special brownies.
Read MoreSips, Sonnets and Sodomy
Strained relationships and girl-fighting result when a huge storm traps Walden, Alan, Zoey and Lyndsey in the house on Valentine's Day.
Read MoreNot in My Mouth!
Walden and Zoey's relationship suffers after they share a near-death experience. Meanwhile, Alan wonders if Lyndsey has a drinking problem.
Read MoreThe War Against Gingivitis
Walden's ex-business partner shows up at the beach house looking to make peace.
Read MorePalmdale, Ech
Alan and Lyndsey introduce their mothers. Jake and Eldridge get a ride from Walden to a party.
Read MoreGrandma's Pie
Walden breaks the news to Zoey that he is going into business with his ex-wife. Alan and Lyndsey try to cope with their mom's relationship.
Read MoreMr. Hose Says 'Yes'
Walden's commitment is tested when Zoey and her daughter come to live with him. Meanwhile, Alan gets more than he bargained for when he moves in with Lyndsey
Read MoreWhy We Gave Up Women
Charlie's ghost pays a visit to Alan after he suffers a minor heart attack.
Read MoreThe Straw in My Donut Hole
Alan is showered with love and affection upon returning from the hospital, but Zoey isn’t so sure it’s deserved.
Read MoreOh Look! Al-Qaeda!
Jake is pressured to make a decision about his future.
Read MoreI Changed My Mind About the Milk
Walden plans a big surprise for Zoey's birthday.
Read MoreA Big Bag of Dog
Zoey and Walden break up, causing Walden to experience a breakdown.
Read MoreFour Balls, Two Bats and One Mitt
Alan and Lyndsey decide to spice things up in the bedroom.
Read MoreJustice in Star-Spangled Hot Pants
When Alan learns Walden knows Lynda Carter, he asks him to set him up on a date with her. Against his better judgment, Walden agrees to invite her to the house for dinner.
Read MoreNumero Uno Accidente Lawyer
Walden goes on a date with an accident-prone model; Alan's date reveals surprising personal information about herself to him.
Read MoreBaseball. Boobs. Boobs. Baseball.
Lyndsey's boyfriend sets Alan up on a date; Walden wants to help Nicole with her project so she will have time to date him.
Read MoreHow to Get Rid of Alan Harper
Walden thinks his girlfriend is cheating on him; Alan starts dating Larry's sister, Gretchen (Kimberly Williams-Paisley).
Read MoreLan Mao Shi Zai Wuding Shang
After reconnecting with Kate, Walden becomes convinced she is the one for him -- until he meets a woman named Vivian (Mila Kunis).
Read MoreThe Ol' Mexican Spinach
After a health scare on Halloween, Walden decides he needs to change his life.
Read More