While at Kylie's, Simon steals one of Reba's dresses and tries it on back at home. Ashlene takes a Polaroid photo of him wearing it and threatens to show it to everyone unless he styles her hair to look like Heather Small's. Debbie finds the dress in the bin, assumes Reba is having an affair with Andy, and fights her in the street. Simon reveals that he took the dress. Debbie tries to quit drinking alcohol but starts again when Andy tells her she is boring when she is sober. Simon sees supposedly-vegan Hayley eating a burger and threatens to tell everyone. To keep him quite, she give him £30, which he spends on a vase that he has had his eye on for a long time.

Simon Doonan, now living in New York, remembers the time auditioning for the school play led to his mother being arrested for assault and the re-enactment of a famous horror film.

Simon remembers his mother's experiments with the occult and his grandmother's return from a mental hospital, which saw her change rather radically from the nicest granny in the world. Featuring conjoined twins and a bingo caller.

Birthdays have ever been easy for Simon, especially when the whole school finds out what he really really wants. Meanwhile, Ashlene meets a flasher and Aunty Hayley feels loved and a whole lot more.

A new teacher arrives at school who really may be one of the Beautiful People. Can this really be true? Simon and Kylie finally try to leave Reading for ultra glamorous London. In New York older Simon gets homesick.