Our reporters have no idea what they're about to read off their Teleprompter. If they laugh, they lose.

The only news team that doesn't know what they're about to read is back with an alarming teen trend.

Ally, Grant, Trapp, and Emily Axford are here with all the info you could ever need on bed bugs and much, much more.

The no-laugh newsroom returns with a breaking report on a thicc-ass bird. You turd it fear cursed.

Amy Vorpahl and Erika Ishii's top story tonight: Mike Trapp is a little bitch.

John Milhiser and Jess Ross break a scandal about a sexy photo on a computer in Japan.

Shukri Abdi and Tao Yang report on summertime fun while Jess does the impression of her life.

Brian Huskey and Raph are a father-son news team with issues to work out (on air).

Lauren Lapkus and Mary Holland dive deep in the local business of a lame town.

Patrick McDonald and Katie Marovitch try to cancel teeth, but get distracted by their side projects.

Mike Trapp interviews Mary Holland about a new movie that combines ABBA, Avatar, and the moon.

Vic Michaelis and Rekha report on a town that deserves rain, and a Wolf Blitzer tongue twister.

Mary Holland and Grant break stories on a mascot update and a hot new celebrity power couple.

Rekha interviews Lauren Lapkus on her winning entrant for the Biggest Hog Contest at the state fair.

Raph & Rekha ask "where are they now?" about Soviet space dogs & take a lady soap company to task.

Caldwell Tanner & Ryan Creamer report on the hottest new festivals, from The Babadook to Cream Town.

Katie and Ele Woods give Daddy Updates & report on what Henry Winkler has been making out to.

Brennan & Tao share auto-erotic tips from the Carfax fox and realize everyone has a cousin Ray.

Brennan, Lily, and Tao give an in-depth report on Grant, from bad acting to bad bottoming.

Jeffrey Self and Grant question the wetness of your shower and the necessity of Lutherans.

Andy Bustillos & Lily get the scoop on the whoop in the night, while teens trick Tao with Look Bait.

Kimia Behpoornia and Brennan go nuts for noods before Tao gives them a marinara serenade.

Elaine Carroll & Sam ignore a local murder and Brennan lists the perverted things that turn him on.

A weatherwoman looks for Dean Cain in the rain. Brennan shares the “Marley and Me” of bunny stories.

Chunky Scoop, the bad boy of the group, serves up piping hot news on the newest prescription drugs.

Grant and David Kerns report that only three raisins a day are enough to make you gross.

Stamps Dotcom & Marc Maron report that Russian Space Dog is back, and it thinks it’s better than us.

Raph & Carolyn hold weights and wear a mouth prop for the entire episode. The traffic news blows up.

Carolyn ignores the weather to pitch her screenplay. Raph tells a starchy story about girl's sports.

Ryan Creamer & Trapp report on a saucy skating event. Elaine Carroll freestyle raps about Netflix.

Grant & Rekha talk hot topics & topical hotness. Ryan Creamer covers a bird birth at a Clippers game.

Ryan Creamer reports on the wet weather and tries to whistle with a spoonful of flour in his mouth.

Grant & Raph report on rabies babies. Zac Oyama shows how many marshmallows can fit in his mouth.

Shukri and Ally perform music for Brennan and Ryan to dance to.

Trapp & Katie read a riveting report from the office. The team shares their favorite Grant memories.

Hulk Jr. improvises a eulogy and Shukri R. Abdi mimes her report on a live nuclear strike.

Local man Roger rants about snake socks. Brennan reports from a county fair that’s lost its bear.

Lily and Mano reveal that brains don't do anything. Carolyn lists off everything millennials have ever ruined.

Rekha tells a meaty maternal story about Trapp, and Brennan dives into Breaking News lore.

Straight from the Vatican, our news team report that God just fucking HATES actor John Lithgow.

Erika tries to understand the nuances of Mrs. Doubtfire while Brennan explains sin-based weather.

The student news team at River View High School bring you the latest news on field trip tragedies.

A bunch of bugs bring you the latest in bug news. Buzz buzz!

Kellen and Zac report on the truth behind hot dogs. Tao warns of a product recall on dildos.

Trapp tries to name the worst Brians while Brennan explains exactly how to talk to your neighbors.

The news crew report on the Wight Savior Country Musical Festival and how not to flirt.

Amy shows off some new dances. Brennan is a 12 year old trapped in an adult's body.

Patrick reveals he's Mrs. Butterworth's loving husband while Lily reports from inside your anus.

Ryan and Amy do the hot new dance craze that’s sweeping the nation.

Rekha and Becca reveal their actual experiences and opinions. Grant shows off his best impressions.

Zac talks about a hostage situation gone wrong, while Ally gets real about a missing persons case.

Carolyn reveals she never saw It: Chapter Two while Kellen reports on a group of arm-loving doctors.

Jim Carrey and Drew Carey talk Gen Z, while ventriloquist doll Chris Pine offers some food opinions.

The news crew discuss the many insecurities of Grant O'Brien, who has a mouthful of water.

The news crew talks corgi butts, National Call Your Dead Grandma Day, and the Pulitzer surprise.

The crew discuss their non-Hot Ones TV ideas and dying in Lake Penis.

The news crew reflect on the Italian Backstreet Boys, get their fortunes told, and pick up objects.

The new crew brings you the latest on rightwing potato toys, stolen big fat asses, and Meryl Streep.

Studio 54 is vandalized by teens, a weatherman does math, and Mr. Pepper does his damn deal.

Sam, Ally, and Lily are forced to treat Grant's opinions as fact. Tao explains craps.

Alfred and Lily are horny for Sandra Bullock, Amy clowns around, and Christine draws a suspect.

Brennan, Katie, Carolyn, and Sam explore the real Sam Reich.

Lily, Brennan, Erika, and Trapp navigate the uncomfortable world of kissing and oyster shucking.

Sam, Trapp, Katie, and Brennan get to the bottom of when and how they met.

Title says it all.

Carolyn Page, Erika Ishii, Alfred Aquino II, and Becca Scott talk teens, olds, and stagflation.

Katie, Brennan and Carolyn can only watch as Grant goes live with some slam poetry.

Alfred hunts for a key out of the spaghetti factory. Lily sings a Danny Elfman song.

Brennan, Lily, and Tao return with another in-depth report on Grant.

Amy, Lily, Alfred, and Christine talk Stuart Little and Ben Affleck facts.

Carolyn, Brennan, Trapp, Alfred talk time travel and science experiments.

Katie, Trapp, Erika and Sam discuss how to survive a bad date, sharks, and being in the wilderness.

Sam, Carolyn, Erika, and Brennan's broadcast is crashed by an unexpected visitor.

Christine Medrano, Amy Vorpahl, Alfred Aquino II, and Sam Reich fish and honey pot for laughs.

Carolyn, Trapp, Lily, and Brennan go in on the miserable shithole that is Austin.

Carolyn, Brennan, Alfred, and Sam explore the three most powerful forces in the universe.

Lily, Elaine, and Raph examine why Sam wants to buy Tumblr and what exactly is Dropout.tv?

Tao, Carolyn, and Lily investigate why Raph lied about his upbringing.

Erika, Aabria, Carolyn and Becca are here for some good eatin' and good times.

Patrick, Lily, and Raph try to make Katie laugh for a thousand dollars.

Rashawn Scott tells Yo Mama jokes while Grant eats a 2 million Scoville unit chip.

Tao, Katie, and Grant answer a series of questions to win Sam's money.

Tao reports on a military warlord's terrible acts. Katie talks about a young athlete's Olympic dreams while Sam describes a new controversial art piece.

Ross, Jiavani, Becca, and Rashawn report on the new hit musical "Buckingham" and improvise a song about Breaking News.

Oscar, Patrick, Ruha, and Carolyn expertly answer questions about math, history, and science.

Ross, Jacquis, Vic, and Trapp read a script written by AI and discover maybe society should be scared of our future robot overlords.

Erika, Raph, Aabria, and Amy tell the tale of Count Dancula.

Raph, Grant, Vic, and Amy celebrate that there is no news to report! Oh just kidding, a bridge just collapsed.

Will Grant, Patrick, and Kimia finally make Katie laugh?

Gilchrest Savoy, everyone's favorite time traveler, returns to Breaking News and of course chaos ensues.

Ruha, Kimia, Jacquis, and Christine get high and report on the mayor's new snack policies.

Raph, Carolyn, and Amy give an even more in-depth report on Grant.

Grant finally gets his revenge on Sam with help from Oscar, Amy, and Elaine.